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Habits are formulated in the early stages of life, and we find ourselves saying, “that is just who I am”. Forgetting that habits are learnt and character traits acquired. It takes a great level of self-introspection to be wholesomely honest and face the things we have acquired and made into ourselves.
It takes a great deal of honesty to face the traits that make us loose the essence of who we say we are. The reality is that what you say you are, can be so far off from who you really are. Although this may be no fault of yours, it is the responsibility of self to be able to map out what is for you and what is not.
I found that I had character traits I was not fond of. Things that have become me over time. Yet, I had excused them to be inborn. It was not until I started to take away and unlearn toxic habits that I realized that traits can be unlearned too.
I am terrible at rejection – I say it like it is a task that one is given and graded on, but hear me when I say this – I am terrible at rejection. I mean so bad at it, I feel a pang when a cab driver would roll down his window, ask me where I am headed and without so much as a response would roll up his window and be on his merry way. I would stand there wounded, and it would be as though this is a man I knew. This rejection stretches out into other areas of my life. Although, it may be perceived as normal, it is not, because rejection is a normal part of life.
I am angered, instead of hurt – I process hurt in the form of anger. This is because it is easier to feel anger and feel strength at the same time. Vulnerability on the other hand, not so much. This is why I have such trouble processing hurt. It is a feeling that comes with a weakness connotation, and I simply struggle with that. I have been taught strength all my life and it has been drilled into me, and for this reason alone I am angered, instead of hurt. Why this is unhealthy, is because it leaves unsorted emotions that always catch up to me, whether wanted or not.
I am allergic to rest – This one I am unlearning amazingly fast. Who knew that rest could be so blissful. There was a time I thought that the moment I was resting, I was failing at the task I had been given in this here life, the task to work hard and succeed. Rest made me feel lazy, which in truth is something I fear. That I would rest and forget my momentum, and as of that day I would simply forget how to work hard. It sounds near some crazy, but this is a legit fear.
These are things I had to admit to myself and make a conscious decision to work on them. Some hings are easier to unlearn than others, but for as long as there is a conscious effort, things work themselves out.
It is okay to find the fault that lies within us, it is not okay to be complacent in it. There is always room for improvement and growing into a better version of yourself. Self-awareness is always to be followed by self-improvement.
With a tad bit of crazy
Love Mavis